Picturing Samson

Samson on my head.

Me and Samson. There's a train on the bridge in this photo. Not much to see, but you should have heard it. I think that I took pictures to keep myself from running away. I nearly started crying because it was so loud and there was a train directly over my head.

As I hiked away from the bridge, another train traversed the bridge. I enjoyed this one much more.

Boys and Girls Renounce the World

Read first.

Ok. I haven't read the book that's being reviewed and I would bet you money that I could find a million more examples to bolster his conclusions about Christianity and Pop Culture/ Christianity as Pop Culture. I'm also the last person who is going to defend sub-par reading/music just because it's Christian. But this was funny to me. I got to the punch-line of the article mocking sub-par Christian entertainment and he uses a terrible example. "You'll have to excuse us/ we're in love with Jesus" is the song cited as the Christian sub-par punk music. And yes it is sub-par. What they were doing was cutting edge for the time even if it wasn't the best punk music. It humored me that I knew immediately that this is a song off of Undercover's first and worst album. I'm surprised at using it for an example because Undercover's next two punk albums were pretty cool. And then they did "Branded" which was my favorite album in junior high though no longer "punk" and no longer "fun". The author didn't even name the band that he was mocking, which is just lazy. Nor did he mention that this is off of an album that wasn't widely distributed and therefore hardly an example of the franchising of Christianity. There are some great examples of sub-par entertainment marketed as "Christian", but he really chose the wrong band. And I'm guessing we could find some "secular" punk music from the same era that's just as poor.

Lunch time: because the wind is blowing

Today is crazy. The wind is out of control which, as you know, always lifts my spirits. Some morning items of interest:
1. The police scanner is always on at the office. Scanner item: "Subject driving wheelchair down middle of (4-lane) street. Please respond." There may be some tragic, non-funny explanation as is usually the case with the scanner, but I like to think that the fellow just thought that it would be a funny thing to do today.
2. Another scanner item "Please respond to Law Enforcement Center. Subject's head caught in stair railing." Again, probably not funny for the kid in the situation.
3. At the grocery store, a lady's hot dog buns flew out of her grocery cart outside. It's that windy.
4. This is not funny, but made me happy. Morning music selections on the radio included songs off of two of my all time favorite cds. Cake's "Motorcade of Generosity" and The Maverick's "What a Crying Shame". When morning music is good, it's so good.

I'm sorry if the wind isn't blowing where you are the sky isn't dusty blue.

Memory lapses

Do you ever have a hard time remembering who it was that you had a particular conversation with? Like I've been thinking about this conversation about Taylor Swift that I had over a month ago. Who in the world would have discussed this with me? I finally remembered. Then, I saw a wasp and had to rack my brain to figure out who it was that I conversed with about wasp versus bee stings. Again problem solved, but I hate those moments of memory without context.

Add this problem to all of that: I have a lot of conversations in my mind with all sorts of people. Sometimes I can't really remembered what has actually been said and what has only been said in my mind.

Then there are the pretend events that occur. Like a couple of weeks ago, I slowed down on the highway to turn left onto the blacktop when my car was attacked by a band of gypsies (no offense to real gypsies, who have never to my knowledge committed any sort of crimes along highway 83). They sort of looted my car there on the highway. Then I tell someone about it and I remember to add that it happened in my mind. But later, I might forget that part and disparage the reputation of a beloved highway and a people group that don't even live in the area.

Then there are the dreams. Like the one where that kid from creative writing class tells me about how one of my friends is a crazy drug mule on the border now. Sometimes it feels like the dream really happened and I want to talk about it, but I don't want to talk to a real person about it because I don't want to call someone a drug mule just because I had a dream about it. So I have a fake conversation with a person who is real, but isn't actually present. Then a few weeks later I forget that I only pretended to have a conversation with this person so I mention the drug mule thing without thinking. Now, I've spread a crazy rumor.

Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with these types of situations?

Personal affirmation that I look good today because it's unlikely that anyone will tell me and even if they do it won't really matter.

This isn't a real post, but it is such a shame that I live alone. I look amazing this morning. It will probably be frazzled away by the day and no one at work will care, but I just thought you should know. I'm even wearing high plains hair sans a scarf and I still look amazing. What a waste!

The longest to-do list I've ever written

I've got a huge to-do list today:

1. Finish Everything
2. Do laundry

I better get on it.

Lunch time random requests/thoughts

I need assistance in the music department again. I need a spring summer mix with upbeat tunes. Nothing melancholy. All hopeful. Nothing depressing. Nothing that reminds me of anything depressing. Please advise via comments.

I've read a couple of modern literary novels recently. Sometimes I feel like I just shouldn't do that. As with most novels, there is an exploration of love through plot . These novels make me think that maybe I think too highly of love. For heaven's sake, shouldn't we want to move heaven and earth to have and keep it once we've found it? And if we aren't really willing to do that, can it be called love? Do modern characters speak for humanity? Have we decided that instinct is a value greater than all others? That love doesn't require anything of us? (sidenote, that rant made me think of the Kundera novel, "Identity". In the light of my rant, it's really a good novel.) (I guess I don't mind when novels present this type of behavior, but I hate when it's presented without any critique of the characters.)

I realized that maybe the flimsy portrayal of love in novels is why I'm not a fan of romances in general. I was trying to remember moments in novels where love seemed real and I thought of "Anna Karenina" and Levin waiting for Kitty to give birth. Then I thought of the way the Kundera novel ended. I'm wondering if you have any novel suggestions where love's depths are actually expressed.

Ennui. It's a great word an a horrible feeling. I remember looking up the word in the dictionary while reading "Pride and Prejudice" as a young teenager. The word appeared in an article this week and then made it's way into a revision of a poem and then made it's way into my head. Luckily the thought made me cry. As long as I'm able to do that I don't feel completely detached in an ennui sort of way.

Can everyone please quit using the phrase "brain fart"? 1. It's crass. 2. It doesn't make sense. 3. Every time someone says it I try to figure out what that physically looks like in the anatomy of the brain and I just stop listening to the person who said it.

I ought to figure out what to eat for lunch. Salad? Probably.

Sorry that I talked about novels during national poetry month, but it feels strangely poetic to do so.

P.S. You really ought to say a little prayer for me.

like a tulip

Spring, yep.

Spring chills. The sun is shining now, but not quite warmly. I sat on my porch reading with my hair exposed earlier this morning in the hopes of returning to summer blond. I like my natural hair color, but everything is better sunny.

Spring dreams. My dreams are vague except during the spring. Then they are specific. Even in their specificity, they fail to guide.

Spring prays. Everyday I ask for God to give me something good. Some days I wonder if He understands what good means. Then I realize that I don't know what good means.

Spring rains. The soil is dark brown again and the flowers looked pleased. The earth begs me for some new seed. I don't know what to give.

Spring Aprils. I try not to think of it as the cruelest month, but once it's in your mind that way, you can't help but find all sorts of ways that it fulfills the prophesy. Maybe April can be the coolest month (as in hip not Decemberish).

Spring stays. One day you stop fearing the cold because you know it won't last. I look at my sweaters and wool skirts and realize that I will have to settle into a different wardrobe. I am wondering what I'll wear next. And I wish I could be brave like a tulip.

blog tagging (it's like freeze tag only not at all)

Pondering Hope (isn't that a nice blog name?) tagged me, or in layman's language, politely requested that I share about the book nearest to me at the moment I read the tag.

The instructions: 1. pick up the nearest book (No cheating! Don't try to be cool and find something spectacular. It must be the book in closest physical proximity.) 2. Turn to page 123. 3. Count the first five sentences and then 4. write down the next three sentences:

"It's a wonder you didn't suspect me," I said.

"You're a little too innocent for that yet," my father said affably. "But it won't be long..."

The book was off the free table at the library and is called "The Magic Lantern" and it's written by Robert Carlson. I've never heard of it either, but it came home with me because it was next to a free Walker Percy novel, an author I had heard of and who I had planned to read one day. I haven't decided about reading "The Magic Lantern", but it has a very promising title. At first I was afraid that the nearest book would be my thesaurus, but as luck would have it (or maybe it was magic) "The Magic Lantern" was sitting in the chair next to me.

Much like an email forward that never wants to end I continue this tag by asking Shauna and MALH to share.

Making Easter Dessert

Locate a Logan County Recipe Book. Go to recipe for "Jenny's Delicious Desert". Create list based upon "ingredients" in recipe book making allowances for the penciled in changes which are important since you aren't making Jenny's Delicious Dessert, but another dessert which is called by the family "Awesome Easter Dessert", but which goes by some other name unknown to the family and therefore lost in whatever magazine or recipe book it was first made for the family at Easter. Also substitute the word "walnuts" for "pecans" because you like them better. Grab tote bags and head for the grocery store.

Buy all the listed items. At the nut section, ponder the amount of nuts required because you failed to write a quantity on to your list. Recall the bag of walnuts which you recently threw out of your freezer and assume that you had too many last year. Based upon that, purchase only one 1/2 cup bag of walnuts. While checking out remember to say, "I brought tote bags." Feel very cool in spite of teenage sneer on the bag girl's face. Go home feeling cool about list usage and tote bags.

Take care of work related business. Receive phone call saying that Quesadilla Saturday is on and that you will be fetched shortly. Eat quesadillas.

Stop and see game-watching sibling. Discuss game viewing plans.

Return to house to begin making dessert before important basketball game. Get out ingredients and reread recipe. Realize that the recipe calls for one cup of pecans and you only have a half cup of walnuts. Consider using lesser amount in crust portion of dessert. Determine lesser walnut amount is unacceptable. Realize your pan is at your mom's house. Consider waiting to begin until you retrieve pan. Determine that it is not an option. Besides you've always wanted one of those Pyrex pans with the plastic lids. Purchase walnuts and new Pyrex pan.

Begin following recipe. Remember to preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put crust in pan. Place plan in oven and set timer. Oops. That knob isn't a timer. Set timer with correct knob. Heat up coffee and milk mixture and sit for 15 minutes sipping coffee because you don't have time to make next layer of dessert and get to game watching location. React to ugly buzzing noise from oven by removing pan. Realize pan and oven are cool. Look at knobs. Realize original knob turned was one that was turned from "bake" to "off". Curse. Leave unbaked crust in oven.

Begin driving car. Have idiot throw caramelly frappucinno-thing at your car. Curse.

Retrieve game-watching family member and watch disappointing basketball game. Enjoy(?) elk roast. Visit with family members until 10:30ish. Return home around 11:00.

Cook crust. Begin preparation for next layer. Realize list omitted cream cheese. Go to store and get cream cheese.

Follow modified instructions. Chill.

Wake up late. Arrive at church 15 minutes late. Go to parents' home for lovely meal. Serve dessert and enjoy.

Draft: A User's Guide

I am currently working to develop a user's guide for linda jean. These are guidelines so that perhaps my users will be able to get full enjoyment out of their time with linda jean. I will probably be revising this and will gladly accept any suggestions and requests for clarification:

1. I don't like to argue. If we are arguing I am unhappy. I won't argue about closely held beliefs and it is senseless to argue with me about loosely held beliefs or thoughts I'm expressing. I talk to figure things out not because I've figured things out.
2. I sometimes defend other people's beliefs whether or not I personally believe them. I strongly believe that everyone should be able to have their own point of view and if you disagree with someone you ought to at least try to understand where it is they are coming from.
3. I think that you don't like me. I know you do, but I am insecure. It is a fault that I have accepted will be a lifelong struggle. I am working on it.
4. I want to be cool and I despise that. There is no honor in being cool, but I really like being cool. Even if I think you're cool, it doesn't mean that I respect you.
5. I hate it when people tell me things about myself. I know it's just part of life, but I wish people would at least pretend to want to get information from me. You can ask me about topics if you want to verify the information, but please don't say, "so I hear you're having a rough weekend", or "so I hear you're flying to Paris." I would be much more comfortable if you asked me about my travel plans or asked me how my weekend was going. I'm not sure if this is a reasonable request, I'm just saying that if you want instructions on how to get the most out of your linda jean, it would help.
6. I'll probably never tell you what I think unless you ask directly and even if you do ask I might not tell you, but I won't lie. I really appreciate when people notice that I haven't voiced an opinion instead of assuming they know my opinion based upon my silence.

That's all for now. Look for revisions in the future and let me know if you are interested in instructions for a particular topic.

Crazy

Willie.

When you miss the announcement that Willie Nelson will be in concert locally because you don't listen to the local country music station, and all of the tickets sell out before you hear about it, and someone calls to tell you that they are selling standing room only tickets, you should definitely buy a ticket. You should stand up for a couple of hours and dance a little bit. You should sing along when you know the words. You should definitely go.

Blog as advice column

Dear Blog:
I am working hard to be a typical female. However, I still feel a disconnect between myself and those in my daily life. Though there are a few in this world that I relate to with ease, this is not a daily occurrence. Is feeling typical an unattainable goal? Does everyone seek to feel typical and fail or is there a group somewhere that achieves feeling typical? Is there a substitute feeling that I should be seeking?

Thanks.

Poetry and Politics

I enjoyed this link-- politicians commenting on poetry, poets commenting on politics. No need to make political comments.

Unrelated:

I'd like to boycott Old Navy because the girls in the commercials are too skinny, but I feel guilty because maybe they were just born that skinny and who am I to judge whether or not that type of body is beautiful or not.

I'm taking a creative writing class. I had forgotten all about writer's block. I am trying to figure out when I do my best writing and it seems as though it's all completely random. The only pattern I've found is that I write most easily when I'm in my office working on something really important that needs to be finished within the next hour. At that point my pen and my mind flow freely about topics wholly unrelated to work. Perhaps if I hung a poster of wild dogs chasing me near my computer it would help.

Have you ever been chased by wild dogs? I hate it. I hate thinking about riding my bicycle and having to kick them away with my feet as I try to pedal as fast as I can.

When I looked up boycotts of Old Navy on the internet most people talked about the outrage of not being wished "Merry Christmas". WWJD? He'd refuse to shop there because they forgot his birthday. I think he might ask their models to come and sup with him too-- a big meal.

In my dream life I am growing my own food and sewing my own clothes. My dream life seems foolish. Why is that? Except for meat. I'll visit the butcher for meat. I wonder how much produce I would have if I planted my yard to vegetables instead of grass. I'd like to grow some flowers too. I barely have time to do what I'm doing let alone raising produce to support myself. Wait...in my dream life I don't have a real job.

If a dream seems foolish is it really your dream?

Fortunately, I am hours from an Old Navy. My yard is too small to grow enough food to sustain me. Even if I did grow my own food I don't really cook. I haven't sewn an article of clothing since I was 12 for 4-H and I think I got a red ribbon for it at the fair. I did bake some cookies that got a purple at the local fair and at the state fair. I'm sad that I thought about wild dogs.

A Dream

I had a new dream last night. I am completely baffled. It seems full of symbolism, but I can't figure it out.

I dreamed that I woke up (that's my favorite beginning for any dream-- so disorienting in its banality). I walked from my bedroom to my back door and opened the door. There was a second door. I opened that door and there was a third door. It opened to the outside just like it should except my screen door was gone (no great loss. I need to replace that screen door anyway). The doors were slightly different than my current back door in that they had no windows. They looked just like my bedroom door-- painted white, old doorknob with a skeleton key lock. Outside, it appeared that someone had picked up. My bushes tend to catch trash from the wind, but someone had picked up trash. Near the lilac bushes, however, there was a box of Cheerios. I walked to it and inside were wads of cash at the top. Underneath the wads of cash were a few mini-boxes of Cheerios. (A note on the foliage-- everything was arrayed just as it is currently. There was not any snow outside and the lilac bushes were leafless and budless).

Let me know what life changes my subconscious is attempting to communicate in my sleep.

A Valentine.

This is for the wooing, the wooed, the won, the wishing, the wondering and the watching. Some poetry...


From William Stafford... A Passing Remark

From Sara Teasedale... The Old Maid

From Lawrence Raab... Marriage

From ee cummings... i carry your heart with me

From John Donne... The Good-Morrow

From William Shakespeare...CXVI

8 wonders

I'll chalk it up to too much happening. I completely forgot about the announcement for the Eight Wonders of Kansas. It was announced on Kansas Day. Probably around the same time they were announcing that Willie Nelson tickets were going on sale-- and probably announced on a media outlet I never hear or view. I need to reassess my media intake or maybe complain to my chosen media outlet.

I haven't actually been to the National Tallgrass Prairie Preserve, but I used to drive through that area all the time. I also drive through Cheyenne Bottoms all of the time, but this spring I'm hoping to spend some time. Truthfully, I haven't ever been to the Big Well. I know. I'm fairly certain I will never visit it on an alone trek because I'm claustrophobic and scared of the dark; I've always imagined the well as dark and skinny. I've also never been to the salt mines. I'm disappointed by the Cimarron Grasslands not making the cut, but it is in the corner and the wonders were chosen by popular vote. It's the trouble with democracy: people vote for non-wonderous reasons. (No offense to the winners-- they are all deserving).

Friday with Shauna

I highly recommend leaving work early on a Friday and having lunch at the Pizza Hut in Oakley. You should meet one of your dear friends from college and order a pepperoni and cheese pizza to share with her two daughters. Then you should take them to the Fick Fossil Museum.

Fick Fossils

This was found in Gove County near the Pyramids/Monument Rocks. You can't really tell from the picuture, but that head is about 2 feet long.

Northwest Kansas and its prehistoric fishheads...
He's about 5 feet long.

Fick Art

Sorry that kitty is fuzzy. It's the only photo that I took and she really was one of my favorites. The kitty has some 3 dimensional aspets that may not be apparent in the photograph-- bee's wax was used in some of Vi Fick's artistic creations.
These are examples of fossil art on black velvet.

A Kansas museum would hardly be complete without the Great State Seal-- and this one incorporates fossils.

I have to say that the art actually impressed me. I don't remember it from my childhood visit to the museum, but I think it's amazing when someone creates art from the things which surround her. It must have been so much fun to make that kitty in the bonnet!

Re: your political aspirations

I understand why one might need to play one Toby Keith song during the "stall for time the campaign is running late" music. Toby has a few patriotic type of songs that have mass appeal and I could have forgiven using those songs as a necessary evil, but "How Do You Like Me Now?" is not one of them. (I get the joke, but that song is so awful...) I went on a date with a guy once who said that he loved Toby Keith. I knew immediately it would never work out between us. Is that the message that you want your pre-arrival music to convey?

PS Props on the attmept to find an appropriate Kansas song... I had to verify with my hairdresser that I was right about the band. I'm not even sure what that song was, but we both agreed that it was Kansas. "Carry On My Wayward Son" would not have conveyed the right message.

Re: your recent email

I received an email today from an application on my social utility network (Facebook). The email wanted to know if I had finished reading a particular book. The application is one that allows me to display the books I have read or am reading on my profile page. I haven't had a single human being ask me whether or not I have finished reading this book. What does it mean when a system generated email starts making enquiries of me that no real people are making? (And the email seems genuinely interested).

There is a degree to which all of this is just talking to myself. Blogging and social networking are pretend-- sometimes they can become real like the Velveteen Rabbit, but usually it's a lot of throw away germy nonsense.

Just so you know, I will never "finish" reading Anne Stevenson's "Poems 1955-2005". I've never "finished" reading a book of poetry. I rarely read the poems in order and I have no way of knowing that I've read them all until I become so familiar with them that I feel that I could request that the poem be a "friend" on my social utility network.

Thank you system generated application email for asking. You are always so thoughtful.

ps where is the stinking spellcheck? and here's an inappropiate apropos link.

Happy Kansas Day, Happy Explorer Weekend

I tried an experiment this weekend by bringing along a companion for one of my exploring adventures. The day was windless and warm. Perfect. And my companion, or brother, had his navigation device that allowed us to visit other bridges by a more direct path. My plan was to go back to the highway after every bridge so that I could regain my bearings. Below are two of our sites, though there were 2 other bridges that we visited. It's different having a buddy, but it's nice to have another set of eyes and another set of thoughts when you visit a new place. I think having someone with me made me more adventurous and more apt to climb in places that I may have otherwise hesitated.

Stoecker Bridge

The bridge is a WPA project and I was inspired to go and find it by a piece on HPPR ( if you're interested the podcast is the one entitled WPA projects) which replayed as we drove to it. The picture is a little bit washed out, but the black and white picture was better than the color ones.


My companion in the arch. One arch had water flowing (mostly frozen) and the other side was dry.
This is the bridge and the brush from the other side.

We took turns picking up this block. We estimated that it was 90 pounds based upon my ability to move it, but not lift it and Matthew's ability to actually raise it off the ground.

Ness County Bridge

We found the other bridges to visit using a historic bridge website. This spans a fork of the Pawnee River.


There were a few of these little bridges in a single arch around the area too. We also found what looked like an old school with a WPA sign on it.

Happy Birthday Jeanette

And a belated happy bday to Jonathan!

You're making me dizzy

I'm at home for lunch which I haven't eaten yet. Instead I am writing to you. Is it possible for a song to make you dizzy? I have put number #3 from the current Paste cd sampler on repeat. I did this yesterday and so anytime I get into my car I'm listening to a song possibly called "Carousel" possibly by a girl named Sydney. I can't really know for sure because the cd jacket was an invisible piece of plastic that I can see because of my magic powers. As for evidence of being dizzy I walked into a door today and hit my cheek very hard. I tried to turn the door handle, but I missed and my body kept walking even though I hadn't actually opened the door (you are possibly wondering why I didn't just walk through the door. I can turn my magical powers on and off at will. I usually leave them off while I'm at work in order to ensure that I'm on an even playing field). Also, I fear that I have failed to finish my homework assignment for today. I am taking my first class since I got that JD thing. I can't find my syllabus because I keep remembering to take it places with me and then I don't look at it when I'm in those places and I leave those place along with the syllabus. Anyway, I may have to go out of "hibernate" mode this afternoon at work in order to stop time and finish my homework. I am afraid that this leaving behind of things that I need is also a symptom of the dizziness caused by listening to #3 on repeat. I am not tired of listening to #3 and don't want stop if it is not the cause of my problem.

Has anyone had any experience with song-induced dizziness?

PS #3 also confirms that I am attracted to circus music.

A Wild Phantom Identity

I haven't had a participation blog in a long time. Due to the fact that the last three books that I've read are about as different as books can be, I thought I would make a list of lessons from the books and let you guess which book belongs to the corresponding lesson.

1. Instincts are a heritage.
2. Games can ruin everything even if they are kindly intended.
3. Leaving your man is essential to fully realizing one's potential.
4. Knowledge is senseless without rhyme and reason.
5. London is too weird to be real.
6. There are too many things to learn and to see to ever be bored.
7. Useless tasks are the thief of time.
8. Dogs are a good companion.
9. The person who knows you best still doesn't know you.
10. Dreams can be very long or very short.

Your book choices are: Identity by Milan Kundera, The Phantom Toolbooth by Norton Juster, The Call of the Wild by Jack London. Write down numbers 1-10 and next to the number write down the correct (or your best guess) book which taught that lesson.

P.S. thanks to Dad and Spencer for the reading recommendations. You were right, TCOTW and TPT were great reads. Also thanks to the thrift store in Arizona for the $.50 copy of I, I'm still trying to decide what I think about it.

A day for the unprejudiced heart

I was looking around Youtube and the web in general so that I could listen to a particular song this morning. The song is a wish for a nice day from someone with an unprejudiced heart. Anyway, I picked this random girl singing the song in her room with the guitar, because it works a lot better as a "love" song when the high pitched mice aren't singing and isn't love part of a good day?

"If I had words to make a day for you" . (I didn't actually watch the video so much as listen to the song. I don't really like to watch people singing in their rooms, but this is pretty).

Today should be less terrible than yesterday. I don't have anything emotionally draining scheduled.

p.s. oh yes, the movie is "Babe".

You can't reach me

I speak often of needing the sunlight. Today I need the clouds. I need them to confirm the struggle of everyday life. Instead, it is sunshiny and beautiful and everything happening today conflicts with the sky's message.

Tonight it may blizzard. The kind with crazy winds and paltry amounts of snow; just enough to ruin vision and slicken steps. Perfect. If I'm going to feel like I can't see far enough, I would like to not be able to see far enough. If I'm going to feel like I've fallen I might as well stumble.

(or maybe I'll just eat a little lunch, regroup, wipe the tears from my eyes and enjoy the afternoon before the storm... I guess we'll see).

I cry at movies

It occurred to me yesterday my emotional spectrum may actually grow during my entire life. (I know there is hardness and dullness that comes too, but I haven't been dealing with that lately). I'm not sure if this is true or not, but this is what I'm thinking:

I watched Juno last night (really sweet and edgy). There were moments in the movie when I cried (this is normal behavior for me. I've heard so many people say "I don't cry at movies, but PS I love You made me cry and cry". I didn't cry during PS I Love You. The only good things about that movie were the Irishmen). It occurred to me that a lot of the movie watchers were tearing-up during the show. I wondered if we were crying about the same things. For instance, how can a mother who has experienced labor not think of giving birth to her own child during a labor scene? How can someone who got pregnant as a teen not think about the moment she herself had to tell her parents? There are a lot of those moments in the movie that a lot of people may have experienced. There are moments in the movie that a lot of people haven't experienced. Yet we all cried (or were emotionally touched if you aren't a crier like me). A lot of movies are like that. For me, there were moments of poignancy that could not have been personally poignant to the person sitting next to me (no, I was never a pregnant teenager and I've never given birth). Not because she is inferior, but because she is not me. I'm wondering if she had moments of poignancy that are personal to herself. Life is a lot grander than a movie, so I suppose that everyday is like that for everyone. Memories just keep filling a life and so the moments of poignancy must begin to fill every nook of the action happening around you. Or maybe I'm just being sentimental.

Old friend of a friend

One of my great pleasures in college was getting to read Ed Skoog's weekly column in the Collegian. If you go to the "Podcast & Audio" section on this page, you can listen to his poem read by an actress and then hear Ed discuss the poem. I still remember his op-ed piece on Calvin Hall and the poem about Mrs. Wefald walking her poodles. I hope the kids at KSU have someone as gifted writing for them these days.

Resolution: Revelation and Revolution

As for the New Year tradition, writing down a resolution is the surest way to guarantee that I won't accomplish it. I try to think of changes as guidelines, and I give myself permission to ignore any guideline I give because with that permission in place I'm more likely to follow the guideline. I just don't like it when I boss myself around and am prone to breaking rules out of spite.

Here are some hopes for the New Year over which I have no control:
A happy spring
Something good in my life that brings me joy
Focused goals
Love
A respite from toughness

I guess you would call those prayers since I have no control over them. What else can I do with hopes like that except pray?

As for my guidelines and resolutions, I'll just have to tell you about them in person if you want to know, but one of them is to be more open about myself. I'm sure if I try to break it that you will be able to cajole me into following through. I will be a revelation and ideally my whole life will undergo a revolution.

Unfinished Business

I've had some requests recently about Christmas quotations. I am dutifully passing them on such as they are.

1. "I'd never seen spaghetti before[I went to college]"

2. "13-- that's when girls get hot".

3. "I like him. He has white hair."

4. "I'm Jesus."

5. "Don't get frosting on the Holy Family"

6. "Oh, no! I dropped a choking hazard"

I felt like I did not end up with a very extensive list, so I wasn't too excited about it. However, the more important list is pictured: The 2007 Fantasy Championship Team, the Coconspirators.

Christmas

Christmas Eve tea (Kathryn's photo)

Some pictures really are that funny.

It's not Christmas until you've crawled on Grandma.

Do you know what I know?

My favorite part of that song is when the shepherd boy asks the king that question. So tonight, think of yourself alone with a flock.

In the distance are more sheep and more shepherds. The stars are bright and you are thinking of sadness and worry. Then your sky changes and what was once a field becomes a place of glory. An astonishing voice speaks as you tremble, "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”

You rise in wonder. Then more come and the sky is no longer dark and starry. The inhabitants of heaven are singing with a voice as big as the sea: "Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!" You hear their words in your soul and your soul cannot stay where it is; it must move. You find a little family with a baby swaddled just as the angel said that you would. In a manger is a child. In a manger is a savior. You smile broadly and you tell the king what it that you know.

Maybe he'll say something like this: "Listen to what I say. Pray for peace people everywhere. The child, the child sleeping in the night, he will bring us goodness and light."

Favorite Wildcat Ever

Watch Darren go. He's magic.

The Writer's Almanac for December 18, 2007

piano plays and fades.
Garrison: It's the birthday of American born blogger, linda jean. She spent much of her solitary life in the town where she was born. She thought that she was ill-equipped for living alone and yet believed that she grew to know herself more fully than she would have otherwise, and her life became more authentic because of it. linda jean who wrote:
"I told a man that my birthday was on the 18th and he said that his was on the shortest day of the year. I told him it meant that he was born on the longest night of the year which he hadn't considered. I have a belief that we are affected by the time of year in which we are born and so we have similarities to those who are born near the same day. It's not a belief in the cosmic, astrological sense, but based on the physical world. Our birthdays are cold, they include Christmas decorations, the day is short. Our first days were full of shortened sunlight, festive gatherings, clinking Salvation Army buckets, and heavy clothing. On our birthday we wake up and think 'why is it still so dark?'. I find the weight of heavy blankets comforting even when I'm not cold."

More sequins please

I think just about everyone had a grade school teacher that handed out a "test" and said "be sure to read all of the directions before beginning". There was a strange restlessness from half the class and the other half began working the test problems. I was, predictably, one of the kids that failed to read the directions that said not to answer any of the questions for an A or something like that. I was and am still indignant that no one graded the work that I did. No matter how many times I take a test like that I am going to fail. I have no idea how many essay exams I messed up by answering all three questions instead of answering one of the three thereby running out of time to complete the final essay question worth 50 percent of the points on the test. It seems like a simple enough solution to read the directions, but I've lived long enough to know that if the problem seems obvious to me, I won't read the directions.

This weekend I started a felt ornament kit project where I'm making little felt ornaments in the shapes of stockings and wreaths and other holiday icons. The kit was given to me out of one of my grandmother's stash of craft kits. I have to refer to the directions at various times in order to get through the tougher portions. One of the directions in the kit is not to deviate from any of the instructions. I have deviated. I've deviated a good deal. The ornaments have less sequins and are filled with cut up pieces of a plastic bag from the grocery store. The deviations let me come up with prettier ways to make things and make them look more like objects I would have made.

I wonder sometimes if all of my best work isn't the work that wasn't supposed to be. Maybe my best essays were the ones I wouldn't have written had I read the instructions or my best days are the ones not set aside in my calendar for fun or good. Some days it feels like I took a wrong turn somewhere, but I wonder if I had taken the right turn if my life would have too many sequins and look less like something that I had made.

P.S. If you haven't seen pictures from Thanksgiving yet, go and visit JEO.

I can be pretty boring.

If you want, you can listen to today's arguments regarding 6 Guantanamo Bay detainees heard before the Supreme Court. It's an hour and a half long and there are a lot of references that went over my head (it's a lot easier to follow if you've read the briefs). It's easy to zone out, but fascinating.

It's about humoring me.

This picture makes absolutely no sense.

Post Thanksgiving

I went away for Thanksgiving. Thankfulness is all about perspective. I am really thankful to have someone like my sister in my life. We did lots of kitchen types of things and lots of outdoorsy things before the kitchen things.

When I got home I discovered some new tenants on my porch: Smoop and Lucky, two cats. They keep on coming on to my porch and I think I'm going to let them without too much grief. I have the room, they need a porch. However, I won't be feeding them no matter how tempting. Besides, they are far from skinny, which makes me wonder how many porches they frequent.

Beyond all of that I thought I would share some travel observations and some noted unnotable moments which are numbered for no reason--

1. The airport in San Francisco is not a warm place. They even have a large piece of public art with the word "void" across it. It felt like being on the campus of KU. Everyone is walking around like everyone else is invisible. I really dislike those places. In spite of that I would like to visit (I've never been there). Flying out and looking down I wondered if I could visit some day and drive over every single bridge in one day.
2. Exercise makes life easier. I've been trying to be more diligent about taking care of my body for the past few months and I was pleased to discover that my Oregon hiking was much easier. We didn't do any strenuous hiking, but I did notice that it was all a bit easier.
3. I ate pomegranate for the first time the day before I left for Oregon. While I was in Oregon I cut open and seeded my first one. Before last week I had never thought about them and now I think that they are great. Yes, there is a huge life lesson in the pomegranate.
4. I don't think that I get enough hugs. Just an FYI. In case you see me, I'm open for a warm one.
5. If your little dog is hacking while you are hoofing it through the Denver airport, he would appreciate it if you stopped and checked on him. The girl walking behind you would appreciate it as well since your little dog's hacking is not a dry cough.
6. I will get dirty if given the opportunity, always.
7. Just because someone is rude to you when she gets on the plane, she might feel guilty by the end and be extra nice at the end of the flight. She didn't hate me just because she was mean to me.
8. Seeing old friends is magical and seeing old friends in the redwood forest makes you believe in magic.
9. God has blessed me with a wide berth of thought and a really entertaining mind. It's pretty fun to be me and I get a kick out of having pretentious reading materials when I'm travelling, but when it's late at night and my flight is delayed it would be nice to have something besides poetry, Dostoevsky, The New Yorker, and Harper's to read. I watched Larry King Live for an hour.
10. The issue of the The New Yorker that I was reading was the "cartoon" issue. As much fun as it is to have pretentious reading materials, I also love getting to an entire page of cartoons and not getting a single joke.

Thanksgiving Haiku

Happy Thanksgiving. Last year we started a little tradition here that I believe ought to continue: Thanksgiving Haiku. It's a bit early and nothing too Thanskgivingy has happened yet, but I'm afraid the next few days will yield little time for poetry. So, here you are:

Rotten pumpkin stink
A disposed decoration
One less for Thursday

Please join in.

I throw like a girl

I do not like to admit certain gender differences. I hate saying that someone "throws like a girl", but last night at church I was watching the girls throw the football and they were all throwing like girls. I also hate to admit that I am a girl that throws like a girl. It's terrible to assign typical gender abilities to anyone let alone myself, especially when I generally have "typical" female weaknesses without having too many "typical" female strengths (like cooking a delicious supper or keeping a neat house or being a great flirt). I realized watching those girls that I must look like a girl when I throw a ball too. For some reason, I had never thought about the way I look when I throw a ball. I hope I can still throw a ball without feeling too self-conscious and embrace throwing like a girl.

I started thinking about writing and whether or not there is such a thing as writing like a girl. I thought of certain works by women, especially feminist writers, and how most of their works could only have been written by a woman. There are also works by men that could not have been written by a woman. This conclusion is strange to me because I want to believe that genders can write the same things, but our experience differs. I did finally think of a few people whose work seems to be non-gender informed, but how can I be sure? I wish there were a way to read without knowing the author so that I could really examine the issue without prejudice. It sounds like a grad school project.

I'm pretty sure that I mostly write like a girl, but I do love to create gender ambiguities.

Question Authority

My brother had me watch this Youtube video. I think a few of you will recognize the star.

I just watched Luther which happens to also have a strong message about questioning authority. I do wish I had read a brief biography before I watched so that I would be more prepared for when exactly the movie would end. If you hadn't thought about how amazing it is to have freedom of religious belief, then you ought to watch it.

I also wanted to provide a link for your questioning pleasure that relates to a conversation that I had at lunch. I was wondering how long this particular political point had been an issue and I think this got me a bit closer to the source.

Finally, not that many little girls are authorities, but my niece has seemed to accurately assign the names of various Winnie the Pooh characters to real people in her life. I have been assigned "Pooh". I'm a little afraid of the implications.

Squirrels

These are two squirrels that I met recently in a small southwest Kansas town.

A politically charged blog entry

This week I'm pretending that I'm going on some great trip and I have to get up when it's dark so that I can make my flight. I actually arrived to work almost on time with this strategy (only 10 minutes late)and though it was starting to be light when I got to the office, the sun was not risen technically. I'm not really enjoying the extra light this evening. It's making me angry because I would have preferred it on the other end of the day. If I were running for President, this would be my one campaign promises: return the end of daylight savings to its previous weekend. When will the candidates address the everyday man's concern?

Shhh

Silence is sneaky. I drove into town from the farm without realizing that I hadn't turned on my radio at all until I was back home. I had been thinking without outside stimulation during the entire drive. It's good to not talk and to not hear anything sometimes. Faith steers you when you can't hear anything. I realize that I haven't been saying much through this medium lately either. It's not that I'm not thinking silly thoughts or that I don't wish to share, it's just that sometimes you have to be quiet with yourself to let yourself examine what it is that you aren't saying.

Recently I went and visited a place that I've meant to see for years. It was quite worth the visit and so I'm letting you know that if you haven't gone to see the Tiffany stained-glass windows in Topeka, you really ought to some time. Do it when you have the time, or make the time if you need be. It seemed like it would be a good place for silence, if you need that.

A hero sleeps at night.

I've been having fitful sleeps lately. I even counted sheep last night being unable to remember the charms of Linda. Getting less sleep is certainly an annoyance and an inconvenience. It does yield some nice weird dreams. Last night I dreamed that I was a boarder in an old home that was being renovated. The young couple that was working on the house seemed to avoid me. However at the end of the dream the husband told me that he really thought highly of me. He then said that I was capable of being a hero, but I wasn't quite one yet. He then gave me advice on how to actually achieve hero status. Alas, I can not remember any of his advice. Then I dreamed I was at a spa with my husband who had to use smelling salts to awaken me after I had fallen asleep in some fancy bathtub. He went ahead and purchased the smelling salts to use at home when I was sleeping and was snoring too much. I've never actually been to a spa, but it seems odd that I would take a bath as part of my spa treatment, but I suppose it's possible. Not sleeping tends to mean that something is bothering me, but I'm not really sure how to make it go away. Either I'm concerned about my snoring or I'm concerned about not being a hero. I can't really do anything about the snoring except take sudafed, allergy prescriptions and try to avoid mouth breathing to the extent possible. Being a hero seems like it might be too much work, but maybe I need to explore it as an option. My new life coach has suggested that I need to get a hipster photo for my blog, but I'm not sure if that's what the man in the dream suggested. Or it may be that it's too cold at night to be sleeping without the heater running.

More fortunate than usual

Today I received two fortunes in my fortune cookie. One said "Take no risks with your reputation". The second said "Take that chance you've been considering". They seem to be contradictory unless you assume chances can in no way damage your reputation. I suppose it's possible. When I arrived home I had another fortune sticking to the bottom of my shoe. It was partial, but it seems rather important since it went to all of the trouble of sticking to me like a sandbur wanting to find a spot to sprout. "[rip]month/ [rip] is shining". It makes less sense, but probably the most apt to occur. Any advice is welcome regarding this muddling of advice and fortunes. Or I could ignore it all, smile and continue.

Fall into produce

It's October 1. This is a picture of my first tomato of the season. If you will recall, last summer tomato was one of my dear friends, but this summer he has been fickle and unproductive. I guess he's more of a cool weather producer. He didn't want to be trite and produce in August like all of the other tomatoes. I suppose that I'll be trying to farm out my excess in November.

A top ten list

Top ten numbers 1-10

• 10. four
• 9. three
• 8. eight
• 7. nine
• 6. five
• 5. ten
• 4. two
• 3. seven
• 2. three
• 1. one

PBS programming suggestion

If football games have a halftime, why can't Ken Burns' documentary "The War" have a halftime?

ABC poem

Shauna suggested this one earlier... simply choose a word for each letter of the alphabet. It's easier if you cheat on "x", and I won't blame you if you do.

A bashful caress

dares escape from

graceful hands

I just kiss lips

moving now, openly

playing quilt-like

river sensations--

(unlike very xeric yuccas)

zeal.

The results are always a little goofy because of the ending, but it's kind of fun to have it end real wacky.

ways to insert ineptitude into everyday life

1. be easily distracted by minutia.
2. make sure putting items away means "where ever it was last time you needed it".
3. be easily bored by details (unless they are irrelevant minutiae).
4. buy a nice thesaurus and never remember where you were the last time you needed it (see number 2).
5. make sure your coping mechanism for being overwhelmed by too much to do is to think of something new to do that doesn't really need to be done.
6. never think of supper until you are hungry.
7. never think of a task until it requires immediate attention and you have less time than required to complete it.
8. create art from anything in your house.
9. own too many shoes (see number 2).
10. forget what day it is.
11. play distracting music whenever you need to concentrate.
12. daydream.
13. enjoy your dictionary so much that it's a 15 to 30 minute distraction every time you look up a word (wow, I never notice how similar the spelling of "hummus" and "humus" are).
14. stare at ceilings.
15. make up alternate endings to important information people say to you.
16. enjoy the sound of "slipshod" so much that it no longer sounds like criticism.
17. never, never finish anything.
18. find the easiest route to completion and be a perfectionist.
19. ponder your teddy bear's inner thoughts.
20. laugh out loud every 20 minutes because everything serious is hilarious.
21. have a lousy sense of smell.

Just a couple of things.

I've been thinking about Madeline L'Engle since she recently passed away. I would love to say something fitting, but the things I want to say seem too personal. I began reading all of her novels from the library (up the stairs on 7th Street) when I was in junior high. I am rereading Camilla to mark the occasion and I am struck by how deeply connected I feel. I wasn't sure if I would feel it, now that I'm not in junior high, but it's still there.

I also finished reading Death Comes for the Archbishop. Yes, I liked it. It was slow and not plot-driven, but to the extent that reading should be a peaceful endeavor, it was. Cather's landscapes are superb.

In unrelated clothing news, my grease-stained skirt was successfully rescued with a product under my sink called "greased lightning". I do not recall buying it, but it was there when I needed it.

Nowhere

The blog has already visited this place, but I went there this weekend just to have some outdoor time. This CCC dam is in NE Finney County and is currently called Finney County Wildlife Area. It's more like an abandoned dream. "Finney County Abandoned Dream Refuge". Maybe I'll make a new sign. There isn't any water and I didn't see much wildlife other than the millions of grasshoppers and one lizard. The first picture is of the little graveyard near the dam. It's in a neat circle and completely overgrown. The second picture is on the dam identifying itself. It's a place of eerie solitude especially because it has the feeling of a ghost town though it's a couple of miles from the remains of Ravenna, the real ghost town nearby.

Overgrown

Pictures from the Wildlife area tell a story of abandoment walking through it. It's a place that makes humanity's imprint seem like a part of the natural process. The place is unassuming in its offerings of beauty, like most prairie landscapes. In the distance there are very slight bluffs. As you drive toward it on highway 23, the Pawnee River valley lays out before you completely like a geology fieldtrip demonstrating topography. The land is trying to swallow the quarried stone with little weeds breaking it apart bit by bit. However, one hundred years from now, I'm certain the K-Demon marker will endure, with or without its laughing face. That slab of stone is about 2 feet thick.

Taking pictures of myself

The first picture is using a fence post and the 10 second timed photo option. This is how far I can run from the camera before it snaps the picture. On a sacrificial scale of 1-10, 1 being selfish and 10 being complete self-denial, this photo scores a 6 based upon the scratches and itching running through the grass caused.

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The second photo is an attempt at the self-portrait for a myspace page (reference "Hipster Olympics"). I also like pictures of the wind.

If you happen to notice these things, those are in fact the 4th pair of sunglasses this summer. The first pair is lost, the second pair fell apart, and the third pair were stepped on in a dressing room.

Ravenna Ruins, Valentine Day, Grasshopper