This weekend I received an empty fortune cookie. That's right, all that there was to enjoy was the sweet cookie. I've been wondering what that could mean. It seems rather ominous to have no innocuous cookie message saying something vague about anything. Of course, I don't actually believe in the fortunes, but not getting one really bothered me. After pondering the obvious scary possibilities, it dawned on me that perhaps my future was too dull to even warrant comment. Writing "tomorrow will be much like today" seemed rather ridiculous so they skipped inserting this cookie with a fortune altogether. Another option occurred to me. My future path is so tenuous and unsteady at this moment that any hint in any direction would thwart its full fruition and the cookie chose not to get involved. I liked this one best, though truly I suppose someone just forgot.
So how does one become a fortune cookie writer, because I think I would be really good at it? I would never write universal advice, I would write actual fortunes.
- "Look up before you step outside tomorrow morning, though there will be nothing you can do"
- "Green will figure prominently in a chance encounter should you so choose."
- "Wear socks on Friday, you will thank me later."
- "Tomorrow will be much the same as today."
- "When you hear people laughing today and fear they are laughing at you, they are."
It's pretty fun. Why don't you try a few?
20 comments:
A beatles song will spark a relationship with your ex that is engaged.
That's a pretty presumptuous cookie to be so specific.
I like specifics like:
sell your wheat on Sept 7 at 3:05pm. you will be glad you did
or
if your brother asks you to invest in one of his ventures, don't hesitate
or
don't ever plant soybeans again
mllr--You could have a special farmer bag of fortune cookies.
When you try to encourage people to try something new, someone will share a negative personal anecdote to discourage them from doing so.
mine will end up reading, "stop reading fortune cookies and go out and work harder, you slacker!"
you will find love on flag day...your shoes will find love on labor day...your dog has been embezzling from your 401k...your sister will find love on a hiking adventure in the congo next winter...when the rain stops, plant new corn...find out where the sun hides at night and you will know the meaning of shame...when your bus stops, get off...you will wake in the arms of your lover on wednesday...you will find love at piggly wiggly...you will enjoy anonymous praise when your poem is published in the local weekly paper...invest heavily in horror movies this week to ensure future rewards
shauna-- ummm... I hope that fortune wasn't directed at me. (I have a poor memory)
ben-- that's the spirit! (unless you discourage people with personal antecdotes)
Nope, it was actually directed at someone I've never even met. Let's just say that some homeschoolers live very sheltered lives. (I know that's a real shocker.)
Since I received the fortune cookie that said "you will find much happiness this month", I suppose that it doesn't really matter, I will probably do everything right in September.
you will discourage others with personal anecdotes today...your lips will quiver with antici-----------PAtion when you think about the next midnight showing of your favorite campy movie...you will fight with your gay lover until one of you steps on one of the shih-tzu at which time there will be a gunshot in the apartment across the hall and then you will faint...your soup will be hot today...you will write fortunes for the rest of your natural life...
You will wish that diapers came with child-proof tabs and that bathtubs came with garbage disposals in the drain. And also that you didn't have carpeting.
Finney has been instructed several times to follow me with a notepad to write down my many pithy sayings so that he can one day sell them. Because I do not to encroach upon any future publications, I will refrain from the pithy and erudite and stick with the downright obvious: "Refrain from singing Johnny Paycheck songs at work when your particular department is in a firing frenzy."
want...because I do not want to...
malh-- that last one was pretty cryptic. Maybe you could hum Johnny Paycheck and no one will notice.
ben, shauna-- those sound like pretty specific fortunes, sort of like the empty cookie.
I think she's putting in the verb she left out in the previous comment.
"Because I do not to encroach upon any future publications,"
Should be: Because I do not WANT TO encroach upon any future publications.
I'm smart.
betsy-- Thanks for the clarification, I missed that. You are smart. The real question for malh is why doesn't she join us in the push button publication world...
A chance encounter with a Mac Truck will lead to your demise.
Avoid Thursdays at all costs.
A mid afternoon phone call will trigger a chain of events leading to a nasty paper cut later that evening.
Tall people look down on you.
Tonight you will regret having had the Spicy Kung Pao
Lottery workers were perplexed at the statistical impossibility of 110 people all winning the $100,000+ 2nd place lottery prize. Each of them chose the same 5 numbers... Turns out they all got the numbers off the back of a fortune cookie.
Fortune Cookie Has Got Their Numbers
I had forgotten about getting lucky numbers from the cookie. It's one thing to give a person a fortune, it might be litigable for the cookie to not give me lucky numbers. linda jean v. cookie
I think that the cookie would have deep pockets.
not just the cookie, what we're talking about here, man, is the whole fortune cookie establishment, man, we're talkin' everyone from Elvis to the tong to LBJ to Mao to the Clintons to Katie Couric, man...they're goin' DOWN
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