Memory lapses

Do you ever have a hard time remembering who it was that you had a particular conversation with? Like I've been thinking about this conversation about Taylor Swift that I had over a month ago. Who in the world would have discussed this with me? I finally remembered. Then, I saw a wasp and had to rack my brain to figure out who it was that I conversed with about wasp versus bee stings. Again problem solved, but I hate those moments of memory without context.

Add this problem to all of that: I have a lot of conversations in my mind with all sorts of people. Sometimes I can't really remembered what has actually been said and what has only been said in my mind.

Then there are the pretend events that occur. Like a couple of weeks ago, I slowed down on the highway to turn left onto the blacktop when my car was attacked by a band of gypsies (no offense to real gypsies, who have never to my knowledge committed any sort of crimes along highway 83). They sort of looted my car there on the highway. Then I tell someone about it and I remember to add that it happened in my mind. But later, I might forget that part and disparage the reputation of a beloved highway and a people group that don't even live in the area.

Then there are the dreams. Like the one where that kid from creative writing class tells me about how one of my friends is a crazy drug mule on the border now. Sometimes it feels like the dream really happened and I want to talk about it, but I don't want to talk to a real person about it because I don't want to call someone a drug mule just because I had a dream about it. So I have a fake conversation with a person who is real, but isn't actually present. Then a few weeks later I forget that I only pretended to have a conversation with this person so I mention the drug mule thing without thinking. Now, I've spread a crazy rumor.

Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with these types of situations?

Personal affirmation that I look good today because it's unlikely that anyone will tell me and even if they do it won't really matter.

This isn't a real post, but it is such a shame that I live alone. I look amazing this morning. It will probably be frazzled away by the day and no one at work will care, but I just thought you should know. I'm even wearing high plains hair sans a scarf and I still look amazing. What a waste!

The longest to-do list I've ever written

I've got a huge to-do list today:

1. Finish Everything
2. Do laundry

I better get on it.

Lunch time random requests/thoughts

I need assistance in the music department again. I need a spring summer mix with upbeat tunes. Nothing melancholy. All hopeful. Nothing depressing. Nothing that reminds me of anything depressing. Please advise via comments.

I've read a couple of modern literary novels recently. Sometimes I feel like I just shouldn't do that. As with most novels, there is an exploration of love through plot . These novels make me think that maybe I think too highly of love. For heaven's sake, shouldn't we want to move heaven and earth to have and keep it once we've found it? And if we aren't really willing to do that, can it be called love? Do modern characters speak for humanity? Have we decided that instinct is a value greater than all others? That love doesn't require anything of us? (sidenote, that rant made me think of the Kundera novel, "Identity". In the light of my rant, it's really a good novel.) (I guess I don't mind when novels present this type of behavior, but I hate when it's presented without any critique of the characters.)

I realized that maybe the flimsy portrayal of love in novels is why I'm not a fan of romances in general. I was trying to remember moments in novels where love seemed real and I thought of "Anna Karenina" and Levin waiting for Kitty to give birth. Then I thought of the way the Kundera novel ended. I'm wondering if you have any novel suggestions where love's depths are actually expressed.

Ennui. It's a great word an a horrible feeling. I remember looking up the word in the dictionary while reading "Pride and Prejudice" as a young teenager. The word appeared in an article this week and then made it's way into a revision of a poem and then made it's way into my head. Luckily the thought made me cry. As long as I'm able to do that I don't feel completely detached in an ennui sort of way.

Can everyone please quit using the phrase "brain fart"? 1. It's crass. 2. It doesn't make sense. 3. Every time someone says it I try to figure out what that physically looks like in the anatomy of the brain and I just stop listening to the person who said it.

I ought to figure out what to eat for lunch. Salad? Probably.

Sorry that I talked about novels during national poetry month, but it feels strangely poetic to do so.

P.S. You really ought to say a little prayer for me.

like a tulip

Spring, yep.

Spring chills. The sun is shining now, but not quite warmly. I sat on my porch reading with my hair exposed earlier this morning in the hopes of returning to summer blond. I like my natural hair color, but everything is better sunny.

Spring dreams. My dreams are vague except during the spring. Then they are specific. Even in their specificity, they fail to guide.

Spring prays. Everyday I ask for God to give me something good. Some days I wonder if He understands what good means. Then I realize that I don't know what good means.

Spring rains. The soil is dark brown again and the flowers looked pleased. The earth begs me for some new seed. I don't know what to give.

Spring Aprils. I try not to think of it as the cruelest month, but once it's in your mind that way, you can't help but find all sorts of ways that it fulfills the prophesy. Maybe April can be the coolest month (as in hip not Decemberish).

Spring stays. One day you stop fearing the cold because you know it won't last. I look at my sweaters and wool skirts and realize that I will have to settle into a different wardrobe. I am wondering what I'll wear next. And I wish I could be brave like a tulip.

blog tagging (it's like freeze tag only not at all)

Pondering Hope (isn't that a nice blog name?) tagged me, or in layman's language, politely requested that I share about the book nearest to me at the moment I read the tag.

The instructions: 1. pick up the nearest book (No cheating! Don't try to be cool and find something spectacular. It must be the book in closest physical proximity.) 2. Turn to page 123. 3. Count the first five sentences and then 4. write down the next three sentences:

"It's a wonder you didn't suspect me," I said.

"You're a little too innocent for that yet," my father said affably. "But it won't be long..."

The book was off the free table at the library and is called "The Magic Lantern" and it's written by Robert Carlson. I've never heard of it either, but it came home with me because it was next to a free Walker Percy novel, an author I had heard of and who I had planned to read one day. I haven't decided about reading "The Magic Lantern", but it has a very promising title. At first I was afraid that the nearest book would be my thesaurus, but as luck would have it (or maybe it was magic) "The Magic Lantern" was sitting in the chair next to me.

Much like an email forward that never wants to end I continue this tag by asking Shauna and MALH to share.

Making Easter Dessert

Locate a Logan County Recipe Book. Go to recipe for "Jenny's Delicious Desert". Create list based upon "ingredients" in recipe book making allowances for the penciled in changes which are important since you aren't making Jenny's Delicious Dessert, but another dessert which is called by the family "Awesome Easter Dessert", but which goes by some other name unknown to the family and therefore lost in whatever magazine or recipe book it was first made for the family at Easter. Also substitute the word "walnuts" for "pecans" because you like them better. Grab tote bags and head for the grocery store.

Buy all the listed items. At the nut section, ponder the amount of nuts required because you failed to write a quantity on to your list. Recall the bag of walnuts which you recently threw out of your freezer and assume that you had too many last year. Based upon that, purchase only one 1/2 cup bag of walnuts. While checking out remember to say, "I brought tote bags." Feel very cool in spite of teenage sneer on the bag girl's face. Go home feeling cool about list usage and tote bags.

Take care of work related business. Receive phone call saying that Quesadilla Saturday is on and that you will be fetched shortly. Eat quesadillas.

Stop and see game-watching sibling. Discuss game viewing plans.

Return to house to begin making dessert before important basketball game. Get out ingredients and reread recipe. Realize that the recipe calls for one cup of pecans and you only have a half cup of walnuts. Consider using lesser amount in crust portion of dessert. Determine lesser walnut amount is unacceptable. Realize your pan is at your mom's house. Consider waiting to begin until you retrieve pan. Determine that it is not an option. Besides you've always wanted one of those Pyrex pans with the plastic lids. Purchase walnuts and new Pyrex pan.

Begin following recipe. Remember to preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put crust in pan. Place plan in oven and set timer. Oops. That knob isn't a timer. Set timer with correct knob. Heat up coffee and milk mixture and sit for 15 minutes sipping coffee because you don't have time to make next layer of dessert and get to game watching location. React to ugly buzzing noise from oven by removing pan. Realize pan and oven are cool. Look at knobs. Realize original knob turned was one that was turned from "bake" to "off". Curse. Leave unbaked crust in oven.

Begin driving car. Have idiot throw caramelly frappucinno-thing at your car. Curse.

Retrieve game-watching family member and watch disappointing basketball game. Enjoy(?) elk roast. Visit with family members until 10:30ish. Return home around 11:00.

Cook crust. Begin preparation for next layer. Realize list omitted cream cheese. Go to store and get cream cheese.

Follow modified instructions. Chill.

Wake up late. Arrive at church 15 minutes late. Go to parents' home for lovely meal. Serve dessert and enjoy.

Draft: A User's Guide

I am currently working to develop a user's guide for linda jean. These are guidelines so that perhaps my users will be able to get full enjoyment out of their time with linda jean. I will probably be revising this and will gladly accept any suggestions and requests for clarification:

1. I don't like to argue. If we are arguing I am unhappy. I won't argue about closely held beliefs and it is senseless to argue with me about loosely held beliefs or thoughts I'm expressing. I talk to figure things out not because I've figured things out.
2. I sometimes defend other people's beliefs whether or not I personally believe them. I strongly believe that everyone should be able to have their own point of view and if you disagree with someone you ought to at least try to understand where it is they are coming from.
3. I think that you don't like me. I know you do, but I am insecure. It is a fault that I have accepted will be a lifelong struggle. I am working on it.
4. I want to be cool and I despise that. There is no honor in being cool, but I really like being cool. Even if I think you're cool, it doesn't mean that I respect you.
5. I hate it when people tell me things about myself. I know it's just part of life, but I wish people would at least pretend to want to get information from me. You can ask me about topics if you want to verify the information, but please don't say, "so I hear you're having a rough weekend", or "so I hear you're flying to Paris." I would be much more comfortable if you asked me about my travel plans or asked me how my weekend was going. I'm not sure if this is a reasonable request, I'm just saying that if you want instructions on how to get the most out of your linda jean, it would help.
6. I'll probably never tell you what I think unless you ask directly and even if you do ask I might not tell you, but I won't lie. I really appreciate when people notice that I haven't voiced an opinion instead of assuming they know my opinion based upon my silence.

That's all for now. Look for revisions in the future and let me know if you are interested in instructions for a particular topic.

Crazy

Willie.

When you miss the announcement that Willie Nelson will be in concert locally because you don't listen to the local country music station, and all of the tickets sell out before you hear about it, and someone calls to tell you that they are selling standing room only tickets, you should definitely buy a ticket. You should stand up for a couple of hours and dance a little bit. You should sing along when you know the words. You should definitely go.

Blog as advice column

Dear Blog:
I am working hard to be a typical female. However, I still feel a disconnect between myself and those in my daily life. Though there are a few in this world that I relate to with ease, this is not a daily occurrence. Is feeling typical an unattainable goal? Does everyone seek to feel typical and fail or is there a group somewhere that achieves feeling typical? Is there a substitute feeling that I should be seeking?

Thanks.

Poetry and Politics

I enjoyed this link-- politicians commenting on poetry, poets commenting on politics. No need to make political comments.

Unrelated:

I'd like to boycott Old Navy because the girls in the commercials are too skinny, but I feel guilty because maybe they were just born that skinny and who am I to judge whether or not that type of body is beautiful or not.

I'm taking a creative writing class. I had forgotten all about writer's block. I am trying to figure out when I do my best writing and it seems as though it's all completely random. The only pattern I've found is that I write most easily when I'm in my office working on something really important that needs to be finished within the next hour. At that point my pen and my mind flow freely about topics wholly unrelated to work. Perhaps if I hung a poster of wild dogs chasing me near my computer it would help.

Have you ever been chased by wild dogs? I hate it. I hate thinking about riding my bicycle and having to kick them away with my feet as I try to pedal as fast as I can.

When I looked up boycotts of Old Navy on the internet most people talked about the outrage of not being wished "Merry Christmas". WWJD? He'd refuse to shop there because they forgot his birthday. I think he might ask their models to come and sup with him too-- a big meal.

In my dream life I am growing my own food and sewing my own clothes. My dream life seems foolish. Why is that? Except for meat. I'll visit the butcher for meat. I wonder how much produce I would have if I planted my yard to vegetables instead of grass. I'd like to grow some flowers too. I barely have time to do what I'm doing let alone raising produce to support myself. Wait...in my dream life I don't have a real job.

If a dream seems foolish is it really your dream?

Fortunately, I am hours from an Old Navy. My yard is too small to grow enough food to sustain me. Even if I did grow my own food I don't really cook. I haven't sewn an article of clothing since I was 12 for 4-H and I think I got a red ribbon for it at the fair. I did bake some cookies that got a purple at the local fair and at the state fair. I'm sad that I thought about wild dogs.

A Dream

I had a new dream last night. I am completely baffled. It seems full of symbolism, but I can't figure it out.

I dreamed that I woke up (that's my favorite beginning for any dream-- so disorienting in its banality). I walked from my bedroom to my back door and opened the door. There was a second door. I opened that door and there was a third door. It opened to the outside just like it should except my screen door was gone (no great loss. I need to replace that screen door anyway). The doors were slightly different than my current back door in that they had no windows. They looked just like my bedroom door-- painted white, old doorknob with a skeleton key lock. Outside, it appeared that someone had picked up. My bushes tend to catch trash from the wind, but someone had picked up trash. Near the lilac bushes, however, there was a box of Cheerios. I walked to it and inside were wads of cash at the top. Underneath the wads of cash were a few mini-boxes of Cheerios. (A note on the foliage-- everything was arrayed just as it is currently. There was not any snow outside and the lilac bushes were leafless and budless).

Let me know what life changes my subconscious is attempting to communicate in my sleep.

A Valentine.

This is for the wooing, the wooed, the won, the wishing, the wondering and the watching. Some poetry...


From William Stafford... A Passing Remark

From Sara Teasedale... The Old Maid

From Lawrence Raab... Marriage

From ee cummings... i carry your heart with me

From John Donne... The Good-Morrow

From William Shakespeare...CXVI

8 wonders

I'll chalk it up to too much happening. I completely forgot about the announcement for the Eight Wonders of Kansas. It was announced on Kansas Day. Probably around the same time they were announcing that Willie Nelson tickets were going on sale-- and probably announced on a media outlet I never hear or view. I need to reassess my media intake or maybe complain to my chosen media outlet.

I haven't actually been to the National Tallgrass Prairie Preserve, but I used to drive through that area all the time. I also drive through Cheyenne Bottoms all of the time, but this spring I'm hoping to spend some time. Truthfully, I haven't ever been to the Big Well. I know. I'm fairly certain I will never visit it on an alone trek because I'm claustrophobic and scared of the dark; I've always imagined the well as dark and skinny. I've also never been to the salt mines. I'm disappointed by the Cimarron Grasslands not making the cut, but it is in the corner and the wonders were chosen by popular vote. It's the trouble with democracy: people vote for non-wonderous reasons. (No offense to the winners-- they are all deserving).

Friday with Shauna

I highly recommend leaving work early on a Friday and having lunch at the Pizza Hut in Oakley. You should meet one of your dear friends from college and order a pepperoni and cheese pizza to share with her two daughters. Then you should take them to the Fick Fossil Museum.

Fick Fossils

This was found in Gove County near the Pyramids/Monument Rocks. You can't really tell from the picuture, but that head is about 2 feet long.

Northwest Kansas and its prehistoric fishheads...
He's about 5 feet long.

Fick Art

Sorry that kitty is fuzzy. It's the only photo that I took and she really was one of my favorites. The kitty has some 3 dimensional aspets that may not be apparent in the photograph-- bee's wax was used in some of Vi Fick's artistic creations.
These are examples of fossil art on black velvet.

A Kansas museum would hardly be complete without the Great State Seal-- and this one incorporates fossils.

I have to say that the art actually impressed me. I don't remember it from my childhood visit to the museum, but I think it's amazing when someone creates art from the things which surround her. It must have been so much fun to make that kitty in the bonnet!

Re: your political aspirations

I understand why one might need to play one Toby Keith song during the "stall for time the campaign is running late" music. Toby has a few patriotic type of songs that have mass appeal and I could have forgiven using those songs as a necessary evil, but "How Do You Like Me Now?" is not one of them. (I get the joke, but that song is so awful...) I went on a date with a guy once who said that he loved Toby Keith. I knew immediately it would never work out between us. Is that the message that you want your pre-arrival music to convey?

PS Props on the attmept to find an appropriate Kansas song... I had to verify with my hairdresser that I was right about the band. I'm not even sure what that song was, but we both agreed that it was Kansas. "Carry On My Wayward Son" would not have conveyed the right message.